Steppin in the Eye of the Storm

I stand here. In front of u. Offering up my heart. U smile n say 'It'z not that deep.' 2 me it iz. U know it iz, n u know that I know it. I don't know y we do thiz 2 ourselvez. Wat r u so afraid of? N y do I keep allowing myself 2 do thiz waiting? It'z like I am waiting 4 somethin that mayb never will b. I want it so bad, I can taste it in ur kisses, feel it in ur touch, hear it in the cry of our sonz voice. Waiting in the eye of the storm. B my thunder, I'll b ur rain. Let us b 1.

I Hav Not Stopped Listening

The wingz of my dreamz hav not taken flight. Rather they hav been tethered n torn, ripped from me by loverz infidelitiez. Y. Y did thiz happen? Y did u step out in the March of our second yr of loving n start thiz turning wheel of eventz that haz not stopped? Y do I find myself still turning? Still yearning? Y must ur voice intoxicate me, drown me from my sanity. Becuz I, becuz I....becuz I still love u. Becuz it iz ur lipz I want 2 touch gently, ur skin I want 2 feel beneath my handz. Ur hand that mine fitz so perfect in 2 caress my thigh. N yet.....I do not hav u. How I ask...can we know that infinately thiz iz only 1 shot @ thiz life we get...n u can choose 2 stay in a situation, regardlezz of watz there or not there....where u do not love in the complete sense of..where sometimez u wonder wat ur really there 4? Do u long 4 me the way I long 2 hav u? My eyez hav cried so many nightz, so many nightz that I think there'll b no tearz next time, but u prove me wrong. Y can't I let thiz b? Wat iz it wit u n me? We share flesh made of our flesh, but 4 me itz something beyond that. My heart betrayz me, infuriatez me, n all again I'm left in a 'heap of sadness'. My face showz the sadness, my eyez do not lie. The saltiness of tearz n the tightening in my throat unmask wat I try so hard 2 hold in. The night if personified would no doubt; try 2 comfort me better than jus allowing me 2 lay sleepless longing 4 u next 2 me. U said 'if u loved me so passionately...' I do ..I do..I do..can't u hear it in the silence between the wordz that I speak 2 u? If I could somehow make u feel the overload of emotion I hav 4 u, I would in 1 single kiss...but jus given that chance I'm not sure u would allow urself 2 feel it. We r only given 1 chance in thiz life 2 make ourselvez happy...y would we live it miserably when we know we could b coming home 2 wat waz once be4? We hav not changed so much within ourselvez that we could not recover some of wat waz our solitude. 2 me, I cannot phathom y some1 would live the rest of their dayz miserably, n not in equality, in mind, in knowledge, in passion, in appreciation, in learning, in giving, in teaching, in loving......

I can say no more; 4 these wordz hav taken flight from a broken feathered dream, in2 the vast darkness that separatez u n I @ thiz time. U said "Wat iz it that u want from me?" I want u, all of u, all of ur perfectionz & ur imperfectionz, all of ur hopez n ur dreamz, all that makez up u....& u n I. Thatz wat I want...I expressed that..jus not in thiz way, but I would hope that u would know that. U started 2 say something & I purposely interrupted 2 say "I am not asking 4 an answer right now, thiz very second." But a part of me, wantz 2 run right in ur armz baby...n never let u let me go. 4 thiz I pray.

The road haz been a long 1, n now I'm ridin it alone. Tho, mayb, I waz really ridin it alone all along, u jus couldn't b the man u needed 2 b, n tell truthz instead of continuing liez. Like I said, I lied once, I asked 4 4givenezz, only u continued wit all the liez u had, n added more. I look 2 new horizonz n am thankful I still hav peace. Peace within, that givez me hope. The hope I almost let u destroy. I hav new eyez that I look thru, where once I waz naive, no more. No matter all that I hav been thru it waz ur love I longed 4 the most. I don't think I ever really had it. It waz twisted within itself, a part of u loved me, but not enuff 2 make the sky blue, ur road kept comin back 2 me n mine 2 u...but it wazn't wat u wanted. U wandered 4 'greener pasturez' only I think Karma haz a way n it will. I did love u beyond n e thing I ever knew, only 4 u 2 rage n tear apart all that waz known wit ur liez. Itz a long road, but thankful 4 it am I, becuz God willing, thiz 2 shall pass.

On AnY GiVeN sAtUrDay

N so randomly in conversation wit u on the phone u posed thiz question..."Doez he remind u of me?" my response waz "Yez he doez remind me of u" n u said "Like he'z a reminder of me 4 u 24/7" (n I'm thinkin wat the hell kinda question iz that?) my response "Yeah becuz I love u, becuz I still love u, thatz y he remindz me of u" so then I asked "If u had him, wouldn't he b a 24/7 reminder of me?" At 1st u said "no", n then backed up or tried 2 clear it up, n I guess thatz where it getz blurry 4 me, becuz I dunno wat u said 4 sure, becuz I waz like, again, "wat kind of question iz that when he knowz how it iz?"

So when I sat across from u n u were holdin him I noticed how much I miss ur handz in my handz. How much I miss ur armz bein wrapped around me, n how much I miss seein the dimple in ur botton lip daily. God, I miss u. The lil bit we do spend 2gether iz only a taste of a complete saturation that I await 4. Ur kissez tasted so good. N I love the control u take, it makez me melt, n I am your flower blooming. Alwayz u r on my mind. I mean wat I say n say wat I mean. Especially when it comez 2 how I feel about u. U said "I apologize" when I asked how come u can't make the time, becuz ur still learning 2 cope wit it all I think, in ur own way. N when I said I don't give u a quarter az much grief, u said "Thatz wat makez u special, thatz wat I love about u"

N still I am here. Still I cry. Still I am the only 1 who hearz n respondz 2 our sonz criez, n a daughter whose 'daddy' iz '@ hiz house'. Time. Will it b our friend? When u put that key in ur pocket I wished that it waz the key that would bring u home.

The Fruitz of a Love~Sown

Az our child came into the world so early no one could know the hurt, the pain, the love I felt, least of all u. I looked in2our sonz small eyez & wondered how much longer n only u know wat that meanz. We made love be4 he waz born n continued soon after, sometimez I wanna say "here lemme take that empty plate where ur piece of cake sat, n replace it wit another" becuz essentially thatz wat I am doing. Tho az cancerouz az it iz 2 my heart, I continue. N all the while I love u. Love u like there will b no 2morrow, n u know that. N still we keep it, our relationship, tucked away in the pocket of ur time.

Swollen Dropletz of Change

Conceptually these treez engulfed in wat seemz 2 b dropletz of water representz the changing of the seasonz. 4 me they also represent the roundnezz of how I am feelin in thiz pregnancy. My swollen belly movez wit life, n yet itz only my handz that appreciate the smoothnezz of the skin, the formz it takez when he movez n tumblez. Ur handz felt nice, touching. I missed that, I craved 4 more n dared not show u how I truly felt. Y? 4 fear I would scare u off, in2 ur 'self-made' world that u currently live in. Thingz could b different. Thingz should b different. But u have ur own mind, where I cannot go. I try 2 understand, but I cannot, n take a back seat 2 u. Tho in my own world, I am the Captain. I am the creator, the teacher, the lover, the mother, the nurse, the chef, the artist, the poet, the analyst, the problem solver n so much more. N yet u lose out, becuz u r not here 2 share. When I kiss u, I mean it 4ever. When I kissed u, I meant it 4ever. I ponder az 2 wat ur 4ever iz? N that, I cannot answer. So I go on, wit u in my heart, but not in my bed, or my daily life. Ur choice. Tho it waz extraordinary 2 have u in my bed on a lazy Sunday afternoon, n 4 it 2 jus b 'us', 4 a moment not share u. I lavished in u, n yet @ the same time kept my distance becuz u have become some1 I don't quite recognize. Where have u gone? My heart, mind, body achez 4 u. Truly achez. I am left wit jus the momentz, n not u. But u r a part of me, becuz a part of us growz everyday inside thiz womb that holdz the flesh of a seed of love. U cannot deny that.

The dayz seem shorter now, az the day approachez when he will b wit us in life. My belly bigger, my anklez swell in the evening, n my eyez grow tired, n more lonely. If u only truly knew. If u would jus give in, becuz sometimez life can b lived on love. U said u can't believe that. Mayb it'z becuz u have never tried. Regardlezz, I love, n yet I wonder how foolish I am becuz all of thiz may mean nothing 2 u. But it'z mine, becuz I own the feeling. How I wish u could c.

I have been having odd dreamz. Dreamz that seem so real, that when I wake I look around 2 make sure of my surroundingz. 2 dreamz I remember very vividly. The 1st waz of my unborn son, sitting across from me @ about 16 yrz of age. I can c hiz featurez, the smoothnezz of hiz silky black skin, hiz hair, c hiz strong handz. The clothez he iz wearing. We r having a conversation about hiz father. In which he iz asking many questionz, n 2 hiz dismay I am making excusez. Not 4 me. But 2 save hiz heart.

In the other dream, I am wearing a wedding dress. In a huge church wit an attached reception hall. Everything iz beautiful n bright. U can feel love in the air. I c n hear ppl I know, n that u know. Family, friendz, unknown masses. I hear distant music playing, n know it'z almost time. I saw u, standing there, in the finest black tux, n laughing, n the joy on ur face, az u joked wit friendz. I stood in the shadowz watching, n then slipped back in2 the hall where I needed 2 wait. N there I stood, waiting....the music started 2 play 2 signify that it waz my time 4 entrance~ n I heard a small voice say 'mama', n I awoke from thiz peaceful, hopeful dream 2 our daughterz big brown eyez telling me it waz time 2 get up.

~~~

The kidz made snow angelz outside the other day. How fun n how refreshing.

My Frozen Dreamz

Theze dreamz I dream n they come again, more powerful, more intense, sometimez I wake wit tearz. Sometimez I wake wit great hope. Either way, my eyez r wide open, 2 u. Not so frozen az layerz begin 2 fade n melt away. Should I believe the smoothnezz of the wordz az they spill from the mouth that I long 2 kiss? Stolen kiss, a surprised but welcomed thing, u took my breath away, n even after u left, I waz trying 2 catch it. I know wat I want. Ur indecisivenezz infuriatez me, but I keep that 2 myself. I lay awake in the night, trying 2 imagine ur outline laying next 2 me, 2 help me drift off 2 sleep, but there'z only an empty pillow where ur head should b. I remember past timez, drifting in2 sleep next 2 u, n jus be4 I would fall out, ur tenderkiss on my 4head..sent me 2 the peacefulnezz that I long 4 once again.

I feel the ice melting inside. U do that 2 me. Sometimez I don't mind, n other timez I feel defeated against myself. I have tried 2 keep level ground, tho I admit sometimez jus talkin 2 u sendz me in2 the Heavenz, a place, where, only u n I exist. Az my belly growz each day, az I feel him kick, I know that there'z a love that existz. N existed. There iz no denying that. I wonder in wat realm of reality will u come 2 in ur decisionz.

It iz fucked up, like u said. My cup runneth over when it comez 2 my love 4 u, n the position ur taking iz killing me. I think 4 u, 'out of sight' 'out of mind' keepz u livin the way u do, n yet u have the hook on the line u let fly out 2 me, when u so choose, 2 keep that 'something' alive. I cry tearz. I cry tearz. My heart iz broken. Can u fix it?

Heartz Jus 'Know'

Mayb ur heart told my heart

it had a parking place jus outside~

or that we both like taking walkz

n doin thingz @ night <3

mayb our heartz have the same favorite colorz

n found eachother that way~

or mayb it waz becuz they like sunshine best

n alwayz tell the summer 2 stay.

Mayb ur heart sent my heart a

secret message

that said:

I've been waitin' 4 u ~ letz go...

Or mayb when it comez 2 thingz like thiz

there aren't n e reasonz

heartz jus 'know'

Personal Growth

Itz sad that in 2dayz society the 'love relationship' between 2 ppl haz become az expendable az the core of an apple after itz been eaten.

It only goez 2 show how lil faith in eachother that we have 2 throw somethin that could so potentially 'b over the top', 2 find 'greener pasturez' instead of workin on n workin thru the issuez, that we face az couplez. No, I'm no expert. No, I am not perfect. Theze r my thoughtz, my feelingz. My method of thinking. My parentz didn't raise a quitter.

Some mold imagez of the other that they cannot, 4 watever reasonz, let go n get on. From the liez, the guilt, the anger, the unspoken emotionz. 2 let go of the hurt meanz gettin past the pain, n some ppl hang on 2 long n their heart becomez bitter. As an individual I let go of hurt 2 get past pain. No, itz sometimez not easy..but u have 2 get past the pain 2 c the person. The person whom u fell in love wit. Life iz not easy. No1 ever told me it would b, thank GOD 4 that. Wat 2 ppl have 2gether iz sacred. It takez time, energy, faith, hope, love, trust. After broke rulez, itz a time 4 healing, a time 4 HOPE, a time 4 rebuilding. Stone by stone, tear by tear. An old sayin goez "that which doezn't kill us makez us stronger". I believe that, tho goin thru some of the painz that thiz life costs doezn't seem fair, but thank God that God haz granted me strong will, n the love of children.

Just Breathe..oh breathe...just breathe

Hold On... A Pueblo Indian Prayer

Hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do, even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life, even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand, even if I've gone away from you.

******* ****** ******** *****

To believe iz 2 know that every day iz a new beginning. It iz 2 trust that miracles happen, n dreamz really do come true. 2 believe iz 2 c angels dancing among the cloudz. 2 know the wonder of a stardust sky n the wisdom of the man in the moon. 2 believe iz 2 know the value of a nurturing heart, the innocence of a child'z eyez n the beauty of an aging hand, 4 it iz through their teachingz we learn 2 love. 2 believe iz 2 find the strength n courage that liez within us. When it iz time 2 pick up the piecez n begin again. 2 believe iz 2 know we r not alone. That life iz a gift n thiz iz our time 2 cherish it. 2 believe iz 2 know that wonderful surprisez r just waiting 2 happen, n all our hopez n dreamz r within reach. If only we believe.

So much thought inside my head. So much longing 4 a love once desirable, n yet so much conflict n so much pain come wit it. But 2 love like that again, my heart beatz 4 that day when it may b possible again. No 1 iz perfect, not I, not u. When we point fingerz @ ppl alwayz remember there r 4 more pointin right back @ us. I told that 2 some1 very close 2 my heart recently, but I don't think there waz much understanding becuz of other issuez they let completely cloud wat iz right be4 their eyez. We know not wat we miss out on when we let ourselvez believe wat our mind createz, rather than 2 truly listen 2 the otherz true heart. Mayb the only fault I had waz in not asking more 2 talk on 'our level' 2 get thingz out that needed 2 b spoken, 2 b reckoned wit, 2 purge. But in order 4 that 2 happen, the other needz 2 want 2 participate 2, only he had other liez n other livez he waz dealin wit. I 4gave, I could 4give. Mayb thatz my greatest weaknezz, I 4give 2 quickly, but I never 4get. He said he wazn't like the otherz, I said I wazn't like hiz otherz, but I guezz in hurt n in pain, 'we' bacame wat we said we never would. I never wanted thingz 2 b thiz way..4 the hurt 2 b so vaste n 2 leave heartz so barren...only time will tell if it will allow woundz 2 heal, n heartz 2 mend....n yet I love n e way.